10 Ways To Improve Football

I think we can all agree football is broken. Whilst millions of pounds are being spent on players like Jordan Henderson and Andy Carroll, famous clubs like Wrexham are struggling to survive. My ten point plan will not save football in its entirety, but it will help make it a darn sight more enjoyable.

WARNING: What you are about to read may not be totally serious. Thank you.

1. Professional Wembley Singles

When I was a kid it was very rare that my mates and I had enough players for a full blown game. Not even three-a-side. Therefore we had to improvise and play a game that was more suited for the numbers we had available – that game was Wembley. (Full details of how to play Wembley can be found at this peach of a wikipedia page)

For my first point I propose that at half-time of the FA Cup Final a game of Wembley Singles should take place between the top scorers of the four major divisions of the football pyramid as well as the top scorer in the season’s FA Cup. The goalkeeping position will be taken by a former big name goalkeeper, Neville Southall, David Seaman or Peter Schmeichel would the sort of names I’d hope would be attracted by this experiment.

I think it would be fascinating to see how footballers would cope with “Wembley @ Wembley”. Four professionals all attempting to score past one goalkeeper using their ‘street-soccer-skills’ would be an interesting sight to behold, especially the tactics they’d employ in order to defeat their opponents.

In addition to Wembley @ Wembley a game of Headers and Volleys would take place at half-time of the Charity Shield. Invites for the inaugural competition would be sent to past Premier League stars such as Mark Hughes, Eric Cantona and former Norwich City midfielder Jeremy Goss.

2. Bring back the Anglo-Italian Cup

Bring it back. Now.

3. Replace touchline bans with substitution restrictions

After some naughty antics in last year’s Champions League, the bigwigs at UEFA banned Arsene Wenger from taking part in his regular technical area prowl during The Gunners’ tie with Udinese. All pitch side water bottles were therefore safe from Wenger’s ire. So rather than watching a bemused Frenchman on the sidelines fans watching from their sofas at home were presented with the sight of a grumpy Wenger nefariously communicating with his number two Pat Rice on the touchline by the medium of mobile phone. Unfortunately for Arsene the UEFA big-wigs in Switzerland saw this wicked act and have given Arsene an extended ban from the touch-line.

This whole charade was easily avoidable. If managers feel the need to fly off the handle, to question the integrity of referees, players, player’s wives or the suitability of an adaptation of Handel’s Zadok the Priest as Champions League anthem then they should be punished with a simple substitution restriction rather than a touch-line ban. Rather than being forced to sit high in the stands, managers would instead be restricted to one substitution; to be used when one of their players gets injured. Touch-line bans are rubbish, punish the managers properly.

4. Ban Alan Green

Alan Green commentates for BBC Radio Five Live. Expunge all records of him from the archives and exile him to the island of Elba.

5. Change the rounds that sides enter the FA Cup

Currently 44 sides from the Premier League and Championship enter the competition at Round Three. I’d like to break this monopoly up a little. Rather than 44 sides entering in Round Three I would instead only allow the 32 clubs who made it to Round 4 the previous season to enter in Round 3. Those sides who lost in Round Three, whether they be Manchester United. Arsenal, Liverpool or whoever would enter the competition in Round Two.

I can understand the reasoning behind admitting different divisions at different rounds, as it makes compiling the fixture lists for every division a little easier. However I feel it makes far more sense to reward sides who take the FA Cup seriously by allowing them to enter later in the competition. It also rewards sides such as Crawley and Torquay last season with another shot at Round Three (as they both made it into Round Four last season).

6. Prevent international sides being drawn in the same group in consecutive tournaments

The draw for World Cup and European Championship draws is an exciting time for football fans. However, this excitement can quickly turn to tedium when your national side is drawn against the same teams once more. My country Wales were placed with Germany in 2008/2010 qualification campaigns and with Azerbaijan in 2004, 2006 and 2010. Yet I can’t remember the last time Wales played Spain, France or Portugal, and we’ve never played Lithuania or Kazakhstan. Variety is the spice of life as they say. I’ve not got anything against Azerbaijan but I really am sick of the sight of them. I’m sure England fans feel similarly about Ukraine and will probably think the same of Montenegro once they’ve played them for the fourth time in relatively quick succession.

In addition to this I feel that the qualification groups do need some sort of shake-up. I think home and away ties against the same team is overkill and rather than teams being drawn in a group they should have a list of fixtures drawn instead. So, for example rather than England being drawn against Montenegro, Ukraine, Poland, Moldova and San Marino in their group those sides would make up their home fixtures, with their away matches being against (for example) Russia, Northern Ireland, Azerbaijan and Luxembourg. We could then rank all 50 UEFA sides by the number of points gained in these games and the top 14/15 would qualify for the World Cup or European Championships. I think I’d be far more interested in Wales playing ten fixtures against ten different sides than ten fixtures against five sides.

7. Don’t bring back the Home International Championships

Don’t. Just don’t. Please?

8. Fixtures for the last day of season decided by previous season’s finish

The last day of the Premier League season is always a disappointment. When the title hasn’t been won it normally consists of Manchester United being at home to an already safe Bolton Wanderers with Chelsea having a tricky tie against a “could-be-relegated” West Brom. Normally both sides simply win their games and the title heads to Old Trafford for another year. Instead of that I believe that whoever finished first in the league in the last season should play the team who finished second. This would increase the possibilities of a Michael Thomas / “Up for Grabs Now!” moment conclusion to the seaosn. Therefore this season’s last day would read like this:

• Manchester United vs Chelsea
• Manchester City vs Arsenal
• Tottenham Hotspur vs Liverpool
• Everton vs Fulham
• Aston Villa vs Sunderland
• West Brom vs Newcastle United
• Stoke City vs Bolton Wanderers
• Blackburn Rovers vs Wigan Athletic
• Wolves vs QPR
• Norwich City vs Swansea City

.

9. Over 35′s World Cup

There are a plethora of youth international tournaments, U17, U18, U21 and many more. I feel it’s time to honour those older than 35. A World Cup involving the recently retired would certainly draw the viewers in rather than Beach Football (which is somehow worse to watch than it is to play) and the terrible Masters Football. It would also give Steven Gerrard and Frank Lampard another chance to see if they can strike up some sort of midfield partnership in the 2017 edition of this competition, finally proving they were truly part of a Golden Generation.

10. Change Promotion and Relegation to 8 up and 8 down

Football clubs in the UK are currently spending far too much money attempting to stay up, go down, consolidate or show “ambition” to their expectant fans. Football is quickly becoming something a little too serious and unenjoyable at times.

I think that a new promotion/relegation structure of eight up and eight down at each level of the pyramid would take the stigma off relegation and to make promotion that little bit easier. So, to take an example, last season the eight relegated sides from the Premier League would have been West Ham, Blackpool, Birmingham City, Wolves, Wigan, Blackburn Rovers, Bolton Wanderers and Stoke City. I don’t think any of those sides would be particularly missed from the top flight. And if they have a good season in the second flight the season after (a top eight finish) then they’d soon be back.

The added bonus to this system is that clubs who finish midtable in the Championship or League One will have sixteen new teams to play and a whole new division of away trips to plan rather than the same old grounds.

11. Those that didn’t quite make the cut

1. Celebrities to “kick off” the far too serious playoff finals ala Pathe news footage of early 20th century football. Kate Middleton to do the Championship playoff-final, Pippa Middleton to do League One with Fergie’s girls sharing the duties for the League Two and Conference finals.
2. Change kits should only be worn when there is a clash of kits.
3. Bring back the Watney Cup.
4. Wigan Athletic should be forced to choose between blue/white stripes and all blue home strip. They must stick to this colour combination for a period of 99 years.
5. Bring back Football League Review (anyone who has read a football programme from the 1960s will know what I’m talking about here)